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I am generally not your lascivious, down and dirty sex scene kind of girl. Actually, considering the fact that I’m now fast approaching my mid-forties…

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I’m pretty sure that should be “sex scene kind of woman” but I’m going to claim that my diminutive(ish) height and the fact I still own Jr’s clothing (the non-whoring kind, never fear) keeps me young. Let’s face it, trying to find a good looking Marvel or DC comics tee OR pajamas in the actual “women’s” section anywhere is much like hunting for Sasquatch in the Sahara…it’s just not happening, people. Oh…and before you start wondering about the cobwebs in Our Sainted Lady Jen (the Patron Saint of All Things Puritanical)’s boudoir, please allow me to clarify that I am talking about my writing style being devoid of sex scenes, not my personal life which I am too classy (insert pinky finger decked out in Victorian attire, holding a bottle of Grey Poupon here) to air in a public venue, plus it’s none-ya-bid-ness to begin with.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know adjectives like “throbbing” and “moist” exist, and that they can easily be put in front of words like “manhood” and “love-tunnel” or the ever-popular down and dirty bad words that my mother would wash my literary mouth out for using here. I’m just not sure that I personally want to be sitting at a table in the back of a bookstore someday, signing copies of a book that’s been labeled as “one of the best one-handed reads of the Summer”…although I imagine the stalkers that come along with that have GOT to be all kinds of interesting — I’m picturing a guy that looks a bit like Benecio del Toro in a black trench coat and cowboy boots with full-on Victoria’s Secret underneath and a tattoo that politely asks the question, “Mama like?” above his left hipbone as he waggles his bushy eyebrows at me lasciviously. That ought to make a lovely story to tell your grandkids someday, eh?

I had a woman that read one of my earlier books once say, “I would have liked there to have been more sex.” By more, I can only assume she meant “any at all” aside from a little playful innuendo between characters. Alas, my style is better suited to comedic, flawed individuals who have just a touch of lovely “je ne se asshole” about them throughout the course of whatever weird adventure life throws their way, rather than lots of hot sweaty, gritty “Mama likes to get it on” scenes…probably because I am pretty much an unromantic asshole, depending on who you ask.

But an asshole with a heart of gold, I assure you…