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th-4Want to know a secret?

I suck at math.

Seriously, I’m, no mathematician. Ask anyone that knows me (Jen? Yeah, sharp as  Beastie Boys Paul Revere Wiffle Ball bat when it comes to “the math”). And yet I still do not suck at math as badly as so many of you out there.

For instance, there are plenty of idiots incapable of grasping the following statement: “The annualized rate of return for your investments as quoted on that website or little sheet of paper in your hand is a geometric mean, not an arithmetic one.”

As a matter of fact, my own personally calculated statistics (the “not a mathematician” part above covers my butt here, in case you’re smarter than the average checkbook balancing bear, Sugar Britches) say that you are probably one of these dummies.

—Ummm…yeah. Spiffy. Roger that. Let me get back to ignoring you and yelling, lady.

So how do I know you are probably among the ranks of the stupid? Because I worked in the industry for over ten years, Mein Liebchen. Don’t ask me for financial advice because I will reply to you in Latin. Ascendo tuum (up yours), my friend…ascendo tuum.

Now. I’m going to let you in on a little secret here:

If you continue to add all those numbers together and divide by the number o’ numbers you just added up to try to get the same number you see in front of you under “annualized rate of return you are doing arithmetic. You are also a nincompoop with the dubious intellectual capacity of a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. No peanut butter, no berries and no milk for you, you mathematical nimrod. As a matter of fact, I’m even revoking the Cap’n part, because you haven’t earned it. Yep. Your intellect is just a sad, lonely, pathetic bowl o’ Crunch.

And how do we fix this bland bowl o’ aneurism courting, shrieking stupidity that is your mental state? Well, I’m so glad you finally asked.

Stop yelling about how the world is trying to bilk you until your face turns the shade of the brake lights on a hunter green ’72 Buick Skylark and read something for once in your life. Several times, until it sinks in. Knowledge is power.

Don’t be an idiot.

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