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Every time the phone rings, I keep hoping that it’s him.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I’m truly desperate for a man.

There are plenty of men around these parts, and I can get them to come to the rocks anytime I want. All I have to do is open my mouth and sing.

It’s just that, lately, my life has started to feel kind of empty. Been there, killed that—the magic is gone, and I’m just going through the “lure and doom” motions with every guy I meet, now.

Except for him—I just know it wouldn’t be that way with him.

He’s not some rum-soaked pirate or sailor, he’s one of a kind. He’s a legend. 

All three chambers of my heart have been aflutter for the big guy ever since I first read about him in Tiger Beat’s “Dreamy Leviathans of The Deep” issue back in my awkward post-larval stage.

When I first saw his profile on the sea monster dating website—Supreme Water Being with a house in R’yleh, prodigious claws, and a good-looking pair of dragonesque wings, looking for a morally ambiguous, tentacle-friendly gal not afraid to let me have a go at getting in touch with her inner octopus. Long naps are a must. Non-smokers only.—I was worried it might be a joke. But the more I checked out his profile, the more legitimate it seemed.

So, I finally responded to him yesterday.

My Dearest Cthulhu:

I’m a mature, sexy, non-smoking siren with very few morals to speak of—I tend to take the Robert Frost “Nothing Gold Can Stay” approach to morality these days, anyway, so the three morals I have left are negotiable. I love the feel of tentacles caressing my face, I’ve been told I have a lovely singing voice, and my curves are so good they’re scandalous. I enjoy long, sensual swims in the moonlight amongst the bloated, corpses of the men I have lured to their death—afterward, I always take a nice, long nap .

I hear R’yleh is lovely this time of the century, and I have always wanted to meet you. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’ngl fhtagn (Awaken from your ancient slumber and answer my calling). You can use my mobile number: 555-129-4567

Tentacle Kisses,

Ursula