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7905607 - extraterrestrial in a flying saucer

I’m not going to lie to you, it was a little dicey doing the interview. I was almost eaten twice, but it’s not just going in the local paper so it was totally worth it.

Here’s the cliff notes version:

Kaltanadzarian Prime says his people chose the US because they were impressed with our giant orange leader. Their culture is incredibly crass and values bright colors and loudness above all else. I told him, in that case, they should fit in quite well here—KP says he’s pretty sure they already do.

Next week, he and the others have a meeting scheduled with some bigwigs from the Food Network. Apparently, the Foodies are interested in pitching him a reality show about Primers. Something about them living in an abandoned dance studio next door to a library turned pizza parlor somewhere in the Midwest and eating washed up actors. He said it’s a little lowbrow for them, but they’ll probably agree as long as there are “no fat chicks” and a clause against vegans can also be written into the contract.

KP feels people who refuse to eat meat don’t taste right. Between you and me, I lied and told him I was vegan. If the threat of alfalfa sprouts and quinoa keep me from being on the menu, sign me up.

And don’t look at me that way—I said I wasn’t going to lie to you.